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Click edit, then upload the rough draft of your collage essay as an attachment by 5:00pm on 12/12. Post **constructive comments** to the papers of three classmates by 8:00am on 12/13. When commenting, please remember the expectations of the assignment: the paper should contain at least two fragments, or condensed narratives, that are inspired by the same theme or idea. You should also think about the requirements for successful narrative writing: awareness of audience, unity, a clear and engaging sense of voice, clear sense of purpose, showing rather than telling, careful choice of descriptive details, discernment in word choice, purposeful sentence variety, etc. Make sure you identity yourself by name at the end of your post so that I will be aware that you completed the required task.

.[|Martin_CollageRD.doc] I really enjoy the concept for your paper, Reagan! I especially like the quote you put at the beginning. I only have a couple of suggestions. I noticed in the paper that you don't have any stories with you directly involved, so I don't feel like //you're// in the paper, if that makes sense. I think you could replace part III with a personal story; while I understand how part III connects with the paper I think it would be the easiest to give up. I also noticed a lot of linking verbs throughout your paper, so I think your paper would be a lot more interesting if you tried to eliminate them. I think you need to establish more of a voice in your paper - perhaps more description of the scene in part II? Otherwise, I think you're off to a good start to your paper and I really like how you begin and end it! - Sarah B

Abbey your narratives were really good!! In part I and IV, I would really try to watch the linking verbs and try to use more figureative language and vivid verbs becuase the rest of your fragments do that and those two parts end up falling into the background, even though theyre propbably supossed to be your most important fragments. And on the piece where you ruin your sisters poster you say that you never want to feel shame again, but in the rest of the pieces you say that the people experienced guilt..so I wasnt quite sure which theme you were going for. But they were all really neat and tied together nicely! good job! - Jessica

Hey Abbey, great job on your essay! What I really loved was how each narrative seemed to flow into the next - they weren't repetitive, but seemed to build on each other. The continuation of the first narrative to end the essay really tied it all up and gave it a nice sense of conclusiveness. I really get your theme of guilt, and it was really engaging to have both a lighter, little-kid's-perspective of guilt, and then a more grown-up, darker, brooding view of it. The way you varied your story-telling voice in II and III was extremely effective and really engaged the characters in the story. One thing to work on might be replacing some to-be verbs, especially in the first passage, and watching for repetition of words (for instance, "the serpent was one of the craftiest that the Lord made. The crafty creature...") Also, t here were a few places where you could combine short sentences to make the writing flow a little better, but overall awesome job! - Christine

Abbey, I loved your narrative. I agree with Jesicca and Christene that your theme is guilt and I think it comes out really strong and obviously in all your excerpts. However, I would suggest that you combine some of the sentences in part I. It sounds a bit choppy. Also, you might want to vary your style a bit on part III. It's mostly inner questioning and the verb tenses are kind of confusing. But I love the description and voice. Really great job! - Radhika

Jessica! So first off I really like your paper! But I do have some constructive critisism to offer. Throughout the whole paper, you need to watch some of your subject-verb agreements - I can figure out what you mean but I'm sure Mrs. Bator will count off and its such a silly thing. You did a good job at using interesting verbs and sentence variety. Some of your descriptions of the characters of situations are a little wordy and hard to follow so you might want to take a look at those. Also, I get the idea of how you need to be thankful for what you have no matter what and take advantage of every opportunity, but that I get that mostly just from the part IV because it is specifically stated - so you might want to find a way to tie in a little more about how those difffernt families lack thankfullness or have it, or something that makes your point more clear. But over all. SUPER JOB! - Abbey

I love the idea you have for the essay as a whole! I think it's a really great thing to write about, but in the beginning I was a bit uncertain about what the theme was. Try to incorporate the last part into the others and then I think the idea will flow more and be a bit more consistent. Great stories though! It's a nice concept. -Mackenzie

Jessica! I think this is a really clever idea how you not only have an overarching theme, but you have a consistent setting that just evolves throughout the paper. Really creative way to go about it! One small thing I found pretty funny was in the first story you say she was cutting her "filet minion" which I'm pretty sure is (minyun) like a little demon person so make sure you put in mignon! The only other criticism I have of the paper as a whole is that the fourth paragraph feels more like a conclusion than a condensed narrative. You should check and see because you may be allowed to do that but I wasn't sure about it. Generally just make sure that the ambiguity of the paper is not too hard to follow in some places. I really like this paper especially because it's refreshingly different :) Well done! - Sarah Nesbitt

Sarah I really enjoyed reading your paper. Your sense of voice is great and fluent throughout each part. All of your parts tied together really well with the idea of decision making and making them for yourself. In part III, you might want to add a little (like very little) about maybe why your mom was possibly mentioning decision making. Also, right now your paper is five pages, and the maximum is four pages, so if at all possible, try to cut it down. You could edit out some of part I and IV because those seem to be the longest parts and not all of them seem completely necessary. Like when i was ready part IV, I thought your paper was over when you said "we can feed it to the cats" (or something like that), but then there was a whole other page. so think about what is helping your paper and what is just excess.. BUT AWESOME PAPAER SARAH! - Abbey

Sarah I really liked the theme of your paper, it is something we can all relate too. I agree with Abbey when she says that you should add more as to why your mom was telling you that your decisions mattered. It might be cool if you dont necessarily say it in words but show why through some of her actions which you already described really well. I would also come up with a more creative title because part of reading the different fragments of paper is for the reader to figure out the theme but it is already stated in the title. Another suggestion to fix the issue of length would be to completely cut out section III, your paper is pretty strong without it, but it is a nice well written section. A really nice start to your paper!! - Jessica

Oh McKenna, as always your writting has left me dumbfounded and in awe of how you can string sentences together. So of course I enjoyed reading your paper. I think your theme is the idea of being different..if I am wrong correct me, but that is the idea that I got from reading your paper. I find that that theme/idea is most apparent in the first and second part, but is not as strong in the third part. This could just be because the third story presents that theme in a different way. So maybe take a look back at that third part and make sure theres nothing else you want to add to further develop the theme, but if you don't want to add anything, it still totally works. One more thing is in some of your sentences, theres a few words missing, like an "a" or a "the" so just make sure to fill those in, but other than that, GREAT SHOW McKENNA! - Abbey

McKenna! I love these stories. They're all so cute and when I was reading them they seemed so natural (not sure if that makes sense to you but...) I thought your connecting idea was uniqueness. That came through pretty clearly to me. The writing is fabulous-- you have a really clear personality in your voice that I liked a lot. The only thing I would suggest taking another look at is a small thing (that is expected seeing as this is a rough draft), but you might look for where you use passive verbs instead of showing clear deliberate actions. Some places like here: "But as it always does with boys who attempt to be witty, mean jokes (meant in fun, of course) __began to__ pass around." I don't think it works too effectively. But then there are other places: "No clever retort __would form__ on my tongue." where it works really well. So I would say just use your discernment to figure out where the verb choice is and is not effective. You did a really good job fulfilling the assignment and keeping the stories and writing interesting :) - Sarah Nesbitt

Wow, you're essay was really good! The main thing that stood out to me, was that all of your fragments have the same theme, yet they aren't in the same structure, if you get what I'm trying to say. For instance, when writing about being different/unique, it would have been really easy just to make all of the stories about physical appearance, or behavior, or any other thing like that. But you made them all about different things, which kind of puts a little twist to it. I really enjoyed that! As far as constructive criticism goes, it would be interesting to see some figurative language, say, a simile or a metaphor. But other than that, I don't really have anything else to say! Overall, I just really enjoyed reading your essay. -Mackenzie



Sarah, unbelievable writing as always! I'm thinking your theme is pain, but then I'm not sure how the Cat in the Hat story ties in. I might just be missing something, though. The first story was amazing, really touching. I had a little trouble understanding the second story. I read it a couple times, and I'm getting that your cousin ran over the guy with the gun?, but I'm not sure if that's right...I'm picturing your cousin sitting in his car (that is off) in front of a store, reading mail and watching people walk by, but then there's a guy with a gun and somehow the car is on again and your cousion runs him over? I'm probably totally wrong, but it could use some clearing up. I looove "Fate emerged from his pocket as heavy black metal"! The Cat in the Hat poem was really great and simple for the ending, but you might want to overtly connect it a little more to the other two stories (within the other stories, as the poem obviously can't be changed). Overall, the writing is awesome, just a little clearing up and that's all you need! -- McKenna

Sarah I love the way you used a poem for one of your fragments, it was such an awesome idea. But I agree with McKenna, its a tad confusing and seems out of place since it is so happy and upbeat while the rest of your pieces are sad. The first fragment was wonderful, I would work on taking out some linking verbs so the only one you use during that piece is, 'he was gay', that would seem so direct and moving. In the second piece I was a little confused what the mail your cousin was looking through had to do with the people walking in front of him. I got that they were workers of the places he recieved mail from, but I wasnt sure what purpose they were serving. So I would just clear those things up and then youll be good to go!! Great work as always! - Jessica

Sarah, this was so interesting to read! It's writing like this that makes me want give up in English. I loved the fact that you included a poem, but I'm not sure how it fits. I'm also not sure what the connecting theme was. So maybe just make those things a bit more clear. But I loved this part: The dimly lit Tuesday morning, clean of Monday’s dust, still basked in the youth of a rising sun. All of the little things like this through out your writing were so cool to read. Keep up the good work! -Mackenzie Hey Mackenzie, DON'T let her writing make you want to give up, let it inspire you to be the best writer you can be! --Mrs. Bator

Mackenzie! Great job! What I really loved about your stories was how relatable they were. The description was also extremely vivid and detailed - I could picture each scene as you described it. Also, I really liked your deliberate use of varying sentence structure - like here: "I stared at the marker in my hand, waiting for it to write down the problem. I stared at the blank white board in front of my face, waiting for the answer to appear." After reading it I think the theme is regret, which came really clearly out in the first and second pieces, but not as strongly in the third. Since it's your final one, I think if you spent a little more time developing your feeling of regret at the end, it would make a stellar conclusion. Also, you might want to watch out for some passive voice and to-be verbs. They weren't excessive but if you changed those a little I think it would really liven up the writing. Great job and keep it up! :) - Christine

Your essay is amazing! I love how much each of you stories contrasted in what was going on but still had a clear theme in each of them. I love the vivid descriptions in your first piece but I felt myself losing track of what was going on. For example: "9:30 PM. Physics worksheets, chemistry reading, french grammar quiz, and an English essay and vocab quiz." This sentence kind of came out of no where. Try to clear up your sentences and make the idea flow more. In each of your pieces you get to the point at the very end which is not bad, but as the reader I was left wonderingwhere is this going? Also try some more figurative language in piece two and three. I thought your concluding sentences were wonderful! Keep up the good work! - Jenny

Mackenzie, I loved the essay. I think that the stories connect well and I personally liked your description of the workload you had in the first story. I have totally been the same position many times. I felt that each story gave a believable account of an actual event. I also like the division of the second piece, which showed the before and after of the event. I do, however, agree somewhat with Christine that you should develop your theme a little more, particularly in the third piece. I think that the theme is evident, but if you added a little more description or ended it a little stronger, then piece would really be summed up well. I think you wrote a great paper! Good job! -Reagan

Maddi, I loved reading your paper! Your vivid descriptions and figurative language really helped me picture each scene. All the stories were really easy to follow and you had nice, varied sentence structure. However, I was a little confused as to what your theme was. I think it's appreciation for nature. But I'm not really sure. I understand that in all three you are mesmerized by the huge expanse of glittering stars, which enhanced the surroundings around you, but I wasn't sure where you were going with that. Only in the third excerpt did I get a feeing of you actually feeling peaceful and appreciating nature. Maybe you should include more of an inner peace feeling you felt when looking at the stars in the first and second excerpts to show your theme of appreciating nature. I felt your ending of your last excerpt "I turned to the temporary peacefulness of my quiet room." took away from your theme, since both your room and the night sky were peaceful. I was left wondering: so then how did seeing the airplane and twinkling stars affect you? Work on these things, but great descriptions!!! - Radhika

Maddi, I love the stories! Each one was descriptive and very enjoyable. I love your writing style- it is very eloquent and collected. I was at first a little confused about the common theme. After reading your title, I realize it is the lights. I went back and read through each passage and then I was able to relate them to each other. I think that each piece is great, but I think that the connection between them should be a little clearer. Also, I was a little confused with the ending. I felt that the last passage was cut short or edited a little strangely. I think that vivid description of how you felt in each scenario was clear and evident. Overall, I think that the pieces were easy to read and enjoyable, but need a better connection or more evident connection to the theme of lights. Great Job! --Reagan

I really admire the vivid descriptions you put in throughout the paper. I also think the concept of "lights" is really interesting in your paper - but I think you could elaborate more on how the lights affect you and what you think of the scenes described in this paper. In other words, say more about how you //feel// about these things that you see. I also noticed a couple of linking verbs in your paper that you could easily eliminate, and if you did it would make the descriptions in your paper significantly more vivid. You have a lot more room in your paper, so it would be nice if you added another fragment that followed the theme to develop more of //how you feel// about the things you see. Overall, I think this is a great start to your paper! - Sarah B

Jenny, I loved each of your stories. They were all really relatable and I could definetly hear your voice coming through in each of them. However, I think the main thing you need to work on is paragraph flow. You were missing a lot of "a"s and "the"s, had some run on sentences, and some misspelled words. Correct those and it would make your excerpts a lot easier to follow! Also, verb tenses on the first excerpt, I'd suggest keeping it all in simple past (-ed) endings. The whole switch back and forth between active present and simple past was confusing. I thought your theme was honesty. I liked how you chose to show it through instances of when you lied and others lied to you and your subsequent feelings of guilt and betrayal. Really creative! I also loved your descriptions. Great writing! -Radhika

Hey Jenny, I really enjoyed reading your essay. I loved how each story took on a different delivery based on your age - like, in the last fragment, I could really get a sense of a pre-K kid saying and thinking those things. One small thing is probably to separate your fragments, so your reader clearly knows it is not an abrupt continuation of the firs tone. Like Radhika said, working out the small, mechanical things will really bring out the voice in your paper and make it a smoother read. I like your figurative language - like the description of a balloon about to pop - but work on using metaphors/similes that fit in with the fragment. For instance, in your third narrative, this metaphor: Unseen like a terrorist sneaking into a forbidden country see ms out of place in the innocence of the rest of the story, especially because it is associated with bloodshed and violence. I had a little bit of trouble grasping your theme; it seemed like lying/not being honest. I get a general idea, but I think you might need to bring it out a little more and make it clearer to the reader. Overall, good job, and great voice! :) - Christine

These stories were really adorable-- they evoke memories of childhood very well. I especially like the dialogue and thoughts of the third story where you were in Pre-K. In your second story, I think you should review the dialogue because in a few places it became a little unrealistic. For small things: the first fragment especially had a lot of clashing verb tenses.... You'd go from past to present in the same sentence, and throughout the paper there were grammatical and spelling errors in words like "principles" where it should be "principal's," but all of that is to be expected of a rough draft. Just make sure you catch them. I agree with Christine that the flow needs to be cleaned up in a few places, but I honestly thought the child's voice came through clearly and realistically. Awesome job :) - Sarah Nesbitt

Jenny, I really enjoyed reading your stories! You had good figurative language and effectively evoked different emotions in the reader. However, you had several typos, missing words, ect. throughout your paper. You also had a few punctuation errors/missing commas. Also, in the story where you were in pre-k and you were talking about your classmates I was a bit confused when reading the following sentence: "Sarah took the last place in the kitchen!" I was unsure for a moment about whether you were mad at "Courtney" or "Sarah." Other than that I think it is really great!!! -Maddi

Radhika - I really liked your essay. I completely get the theme of greed. But you might consider changing/replacing the lumberjack story. I didn't really see how this story connected so much, as the rest were about greedy people and the lumberjack was not greedy at all. Also, you already have one "fairy tale" with Midas that occurs twice in your paper, so I think you might benefit from finding another story that relates to your life. But overall, there are really no major errors or anything! Great job! -- McKenna

I really enjoyed each of your stories. I think the apple and midas story both connect wonderfully. I agree with Mckenna that the lumberjack story does not go as well because he is not being greedy. Also I think maybe if you did use the lumberjack story it would be really useful to not use another fairtale. The other story does not need to be from your point of view but it could be something that happened to someone else and they told you about it. Also I think you should leave the Midas story at the first paragraph. Adding the paragraph at the end just made it less go with your theme. I still really enjoyed your essay. - Jenny

I really liked your essay, Radhika! While I understand that the connection throughout your piece is greed and you are trying to show the rewards of not being greedy through the lumberjack story, I don't think that it was the really worked with the other stories. Because you already have two fairytales, your essay might benefit if you replace the lumberjack story with another story about your life (like the apple store one.) Also, you might want to look at the punctuation in the last sentence of your first piece about Midas "Now extremely distraught, the king started crying and called for the fairy to take this “gift”."

Christine - wonderful stories beautifully crafted! I totally get your facades theme. The one thing I'm a little unsure about is where you fit into these stories. I don't think there's any requirement that it be you in the story, but neither of the stories //sound// like it's you telling them (the second narrator is actually a man?). There's an awesome sense of voice, don't get me wrong, but it's not //your// voice. Other than that, there are no mechanical errors and really not much needed, in my opinion. Great paper! -- McKenna

Wow! Your essay was so beautifully written. I agree with Mckenna. I did not feel you in the essay. Though you do not personally need to be in the paper I need to feel your voice in the paper. Besides changes small things in these stories maybe you can add another story to your essay from your own personal experience which could really help you grasp your voice. Keep up the good work!

Christine, your paper was fantastic. The entries were connected well; each one vivid and inticing. However, I agree with the others. I don't see you in either stories. I think that both are great and show your theme clearly, but your voice is not prevalent them. If you are not featured in the story, I think that you should share a story someone told you in your own voice or something along that line because you wrote such a beautiful essay and I think you should be shown in it. The wording was fabulous and I enjoyed the draft very much!! -Reagan